Hard Things

Ella goes to afternoon kindergarten, and because of budget cuts our district has no kindergarten busing this year, so I drive her to school everyday. The kindergarteners play outside on the playground until the teachers come out, then the kids line up against the school wall and the teachers lead them inside to their classrooms. The first few days Ella needed me to walk into her class with her and she cried when I left. After that she could walk into school without me but I had to wait with her on the playground until her teacher came out. It wasn't until right before Christmas break that she told me I could drop her off in the drop-off line, and she would get out and wait by herself, as long as I parked and watched until her teacher came out, and that is what we do now. Ella likes school and when she comes home she tells me all about what she did that day. She knows all her letters, numbers and sight words and has lots of friends she talks about. The funny thing is that, even now, every day she gets out of the van with tears in her eyes, trying hard not to cry. She doesn't like that transition from home to school. Just looking at her I can see how hard it is for her to do this everyday, but even though I have offered to wait with her on the playground like I used to, she tells me she wants to do it herself. One day we were sitting on the couch together and I tried to tell her how proud I was of her for being so brave. I told her being brave meant doing something even though it's hard. She told me I was making her cry and to stop talking.

Yesterday I went to the Worldwide Leadership Training broadcast and one small comment made by one of the participants stuck out to me - they said our children need to know they can do hard things. What an important lesson to learn. How many times have I missed an opportunity because I said that's too hard? I see people living below their potential because they're scared to do anything too hard. And I've lived long enough to realize that sometimes the hard things in life aren't a choice - sometimes they come through circumstances out of our control and our only choice is how we react.

So I've been thinking about how to teach my children they can do hard things so they can take advantage of all the opportunities that will come their way, they can live up to their potential and they'll be prepared for any hardships they encounter in the future. I don't know that I have a lot of answers yet about how I'm supposed to do that, but I think about Ella going to kindergarten everyday with tears in her eyes and I'm thankful for her example. Maybe she's the one who is teaching me.

Quick - What's Your GPA?

Now that Ryan is in middle school we can log in and check is grades and assignments any time we want. Yesterday morning Ryan had a 2.8 GPA, by evening it was 2.0, and this morning it was a 1.7. When I talked to him last night about it he said not to worry - by next week it will be different. Well, yeah, but it might possibly be negative by then. I don't know if I can handle the stress of knowing daily grades; I prefer the head in the sand method of parenting and now I feel like I might have to get involved

Parenting by the Book

Last week Wynn said he thought we should take a parenting class. Now when Wynn says something like that what he's really saying is "Heather, will you take care of that for me," but good wife that I am I checked out from the library a parenting book I had heard about and read through it last night.

Can I just say I hate parenting books? Who are these people that think they have all the answers for every situation? If I ever read a book that said "Here are some ideas that might work but you know your kids best and good luck" - that's a book I would take seriously. Instead they say the same things everyone knows - don't lose your temper, don't threaten if you can't follow through, give your children choices and let them experience the consequences - but they give it a cool name and act like if you follow their book you'll never make another mistake again. And then they never address what to do if what they say doesn't work. Two examples I was frustrated about in this book: first, when a preschooler won't get ready for preschool/daycare but you don't want to be late for work you are supposed to tell the time they must be ready by and tell them they can get in the car dressed or not dressed, but this is the time you are leaving. At that time you put them in the car in their pajamas if they are not dressed. They are supposed to care about this. What if they don't? I fight with Ella every time we leave the house because she wants to wear her pajamas. Should I just let her wear her pajamas until she cares? That could be years. The book went on to suggest that when your child gets to daycare and they aren't dressed yet you should tell the worker to not let your child participate until they are dressed. Isn't that just passing on the problem?

My second problem was with older kids getting ready for school. You are not supposed to remind them to get ready for school because that would undermine their self-confidence. You are supposed to let them deal with the consequences of being late. Well, if my boys don't get ready on time they miss the bus. I would have to drive them. They would prefer this. The book then says parents aren't responsible for the consequences, but they shouldn't save their children from the consequences the school gives. At my kids' school the consequence for being late is the parent has to sign in the late child. Yes, I can see Ryan rushing extra hard in the morning to escape that dire fate. In the book example at the end the boy realizes if he continues being slow in the morning he risks being held back in school. What? At what school are you held back a grade for lateness? I can actually, after reading this think of some good possible consequences, but I'm irritated that the book never considers that their logic doesn't always follow.

I just had parent/teacher conferences yesterday and Ryan's teacher told me I really need to do more spelling studying with Ryan because he only got an 87% in spelling. This was after I explained we discussed with Ryan that he is responsible for the grades he gets and the effort he puts into it. Apparently she hasn't read this book, because she told me I shouldn't be leaving that up to Ryan. According to the book I'm just supposed to say "Hmm...you got an 87% in spelling. What are you going to do about that?" and leave it at that. Ryan will then learn the consequences of an 87% in spelling, realize he is suffering because it could be higher, and choose to study more. If I could think of a single bad consequence for that grade that might work.

Anyway, this has been a long ranting post and I am hesitate to publish it, but I feel better now. I think the worst part of reading the book was that I did get some ideas that I found useful, despite all its problems. How annoying.